Midseason Report

We are one day away from the continuation of the Challenge: Cutthroat, or as I like to call it, "The One Where C.T. Kills Johnny." I figured it was an appropriate time to assess the season and where the teams are at. I still find it amusing how when I started writing this blog, I thought I would write about the show in context of its social ramifications and the debauchery. However, when writing specifically about the Challenge, it becomes a sports column. I love it!!! This is what you get when a sports fan writes about the Challenge.

Let's begin by admitting this season isn't exceptional in any ways that I can think of. The cast is subpar since only Johnny "Domestic Violence" is around. For those not in the know, Johnny is part of the trifecta known as JEK, or Johnny, Evan, Kenny. The best seasons usually involve at least two of them and also include an adversary who tried to curry support from everyone else to overthrow their rule. It's quite Machiavellian, if Machiavelli played beer pong and made out excessively in hot tubs. This season simply doesn't have that. I surprised, given the three team format, that MTV couldn't get all three and put them on different teams. I think it's obvious that MTV is trying to usher in a new wave of All-Stars, but the Vets aren't done yet. I think MTV needs to treat their competitors just like any other sport. Most of these guys started in their early twenties and are still peaking as they reach their thirties. This is exactly like in regular sports. If Kenny is dominating the Challenge, don't get rid of him. I want to see Kenny on every season!

Aside from Johnny, who are the compelling players? Brad? Sure, he is on a lot of these. But he doesn't stir up drama, especially since he's been wifed up. Ditto for Derrick. The best hope is Abram. But Abram just doesn't have the same qualities that make Johnny and Kenny so compelling. Sure, Abram is crazy. But he is more of the mellow type of crazy who just screams during challenges. He isn't all that conniving. The females have been far more entertaining as they seem to take any slight dis, such as being sent into the Gulag, as the worst thing in the history of the world. Seriously, of all the great injustices perpetrated in the history of the world, the top 3 have to be the Holocaust, slavery, and Laurel being sent into the Gulag over Cara Maria.

With all that said, I can't say this season has been bad. From a competition standpoint, it has been quite entertaining. There is no clear cut favorite out of the three teams. All are pretty evenly matched. With only a few episodes left, here are my thoughts on the teams:

Each team has a strength and weakness. It truly is anyone's game. Let's start with the Blue Team.

They've won 2 challenges. Their team is now Derrick, Johnny, Emily, Jenn, and Theresa. I like it. Two of the best males left on one team and a solid group of ladies. However, they only have two males left. Often, in final challenges that inevitably involve endurance, the guys will carry the ladies for portions of the race. There are only two guys left.If it comes down to an odd balance, I see that really hurting them. Additionally, I'm not so impressed with Jenn's endurance based on previous challenges. And Emily and Theresa are still too new to know what they are going to do. On the plus side, this team has great chemistry. Who would have thought from a team with Johnny on it?

Gray Team:

They've won 3 challenges. They have a good leader in Abram (well, at least people think he is a good leader). They also have Laurel and Sarah, perhaps the two best female competitors in the history of the show. And Cara is no slouch. The negative is they also have only two males left, and one is Luke. Now, I like Luke. I think he is a great competitor for his size. But when parts of the final challenge involve heavy lifting, I think he is going to hurt his team. Laurel will probably have to carry him. Still, the women on this team are just ridiculously strong, so it may not be a big factor. Right now, the biggest X factor is Laurel. She is very pissed at her team and the unity is kind of shot right now. Chemistry is the biggest determinant of success. And this team is starting to lose that chemistry.

Red Team:

They've won 2 challenges. They also have three strong guys in Brad, Dunbar, and Tyler. Tyler is a sleeper in this game because he is perfectly suited for an endurance-based challenge, which the finals always are. Their females are a weak spot, as Tori is average and Paula can't seem to win a challenge to save her life. At least the show is responsible for giving her a boob job. Their biggest problem is team chemistry. Right now they are a mess. But you know what, it seems that they have gotten rid of all the people that caused friction. Actually, they were responsible for causing it, but those people are gone anyway. Let's just say it will be really interesting to see what happens if they lose another challenge. Despite their internal issues, if they keep this current roster intact, I have to say they are the favorites. Wouldn't that be amazing? The losingest team ever winning the whole thing. Brad, Paula, Dunbar all winning on the same team? It could happen.

Of course, this entire evaluation has a HUUUUUUUUGE caveat. That caveat is C.T. (forget Tina. She sucks and I don't know why they are promoting her as some type of game changer). If C.T. joins one team, that teams wins the final. No question. But if they just have him for one competition, then I will seriously slam my fist through my life-size cut out of Kenny. How could they possibly tease CT all season just for him to do one episode?? Let's all pray for the safety of my Kenny doll that this is not the case. I'll see you all after Wednesday's episode.

Please Don't Be Mad

Disclaimer: This is my first non-Real World related post. Now, be forewarned, this is not meant to offend anyone. It is completely, tongue-in-cheek, facetious, and heavy on the hyperbole. So when I say some things, don't take them too literally. This is meant to be either humorous or insightful, nothing more. So don't be hating.

My fiance is Catholic; I'm a non-practicing Jew. When we first started dating, I would occasionally go with her to church. Now, I had maybe been in a Catholic church once in my life. So I was fairly out of my element. So when I went the first time, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Hell, I wasn't positive the church wouldn't start raining hail as the priest shouted out "There's the Jew!! Unclean!! Unclean!!!" My fiance joked that my horns would probably come out. At least, I hope she was joking. When it was time to kneel, I wasn't sure if that meant me too. But I didn't want to make it obvious that I wasn't Catholic by not kneeling. The only other people who weren't kneeling were those with canes and oxygen tanks. And I unfortunately left mine at home. But if I did kneel, what would my mother say?! First, kneeling. Next, protesting abortion clinics and voting for Carl Paladino. So I played it safe and knelt while keeping my butt on the seat. I figured this would confuse God and he would just shrug and move on.

Eventually, as I became more comfortable going to church, I began feeling more comfortable cracking jokes. For one, as the church struggles to maintain membership, why don't they stop giving out those plain wafers and start passing out those sugar wafers with the cream in the middle. I'd go all the time! (or more likely just buy a box at the supermarket. I mean, c'mon. You get way more and you don't have to sit through an hour of preaching) Well, the fiance didn't appreciate this, mainly because she was cracking up all the time and getting weird looks.

Well, one of the last times I went with her, a congregant was reading a passage. I wasn't sure if it was from the official book or something church-specific. I must point out this was not my fiance's regular church. The passage being read mentioned something about how the Jews were responsible for Jesus' death and that Christians should forgive them. At the time, I was kind of pissed since it was historically inaccurate and also fostered antisemitism. But the more I thought about, I was more upset by the another fact. Catholics (presumably) believe that Jesus was supposed to die for man's sins and that this was absolutely necessary for the salvation of the human race. If they believe that the Jews were responsible for this happening, then we shouldn't be forgiven; we should be thanked!! I mean, what a solid we did! The Jews indirectly saved humanity. For thousands of years, we Jews have been persecuted for killing Jesus. In actuality, we should have been honored by parades. In a fair world, Good Friday should be a day of praise for the Jews. I say we change it from Good Friday to Good Jewy Friday and celebrate it with some knishes.

So if you are Jewish and someone comes up to you yelling about you killing Jesus (probably happens in the South. I don't know, what's the situation in Europe right now?) instead of getting offended and deny it, simply say "you're very welcome! Are you going to get me anything for Good Jewy Friday? You kind of owe me."

That, my friends, is my take on religion. And yes, this is what you can expect to read when I'm not talking Real World.

And now, the conclusion of.....A New Direction

Part 2


Perhaps for the only time in this blog's history, I will discuss Camilla. To be fair, this won't be as much about Camilla as it is about how she got shafted by the illogical strategy employed by the "veterans."

Camilla was from this odd Spring-Break themed mini season of the Challenge. I don't really know what the point of that was. All I remember was seeing Kenny and Rachel on MTV and thinking they got jobs as VJ's (which would have made sense for Kenny, not so much Rachel). Camilla was the rookie so naturally she was going to be sent into the Gulag every single time, no matter how good she performed. While I don't agree with the logic of sending in your young, strong teammates, it is what is. However, when Brad is telling you you are going in because you have to "prove yourself," I don't know, it seems a bit disingenuous.

Now Camilla did not appreciate this logic, especially when she kept getting sent in and coming back. For some reason, the Red Team did not appreciate her canoodling with Johnny "Domestic Violence." They felt she was forming an alliance with him. Um, what? How could she possibly form an alliance with Johnny, who was not on her team and had no power to keep her out of a Gulag? The odd thing was not that Brad came up with this awesome display of logic, but that the rest of the team bought into it's rationale. Normally, when such things occur, I go off on how it doesn't make any sense. But I've resigned to simply sigh and shake my head now. It saves me a lot of aggravation.

One thing I still can't overlook, though, is how Camilla just took it in front of her team when they were just laying into her. To others, she was understandably angry. But when Brad and Tori were saying how she was a weak performer and not trustworthy, she just took it. If that's me, here's what I have to say:

"Ok, team. I look around and I see a collection of players with 24 seasons between them and only 1 victory. It seems no one here has really ever "proven" themselves. You all talk a big game and act like real hard ass vets, but you all kind of suck on these challenges. Just think about that when you call me weak. I also think it's odd that you question my loyalty for hanging out with Johnny. Last I checked, he has no bearing on whether or not I can stay out of the Gulag or win the whole Challenge. I have an incentive to not throw challenges, mainly the $20,000 our team gets for winning. What would my incentive be for allying with Johnny? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this logic from a group with a 1-23 record in challenges. Then you say I'm untrustworthy? But didn't I tell Brad that I voted for him, in essence being completely straightforward? So how about you cut the bullshit and say the real reason I'm going in. From being on two dozen challenges, you all became friends and decided that you wouldn't vote for one another and would send home teammates you didn't know. I could understand that, despite believing that is awful strategy. But instead you insult my intelligence to my face. Especially coming from Brad, who couldn't even spell at a fourth grade level, that is crazy. So go ahead and send me in. I knew I probably wasn't making the finals regardless. But before I go, I want to share this fact with you. I'm barely in my twenties and probably won't do too many more of these. Brad, Paula, Tyler? You're all near thirty and still doing this. Seriously, you all need to reevaluate things. At some point, MTV is going to stop calling, and then what? Nothing sadder than a 40 year old at a college bar. Peace, go Yankees!"

I was going to write more but that last paragraph says what I need to say. I just wish Camilla had said it instead of me. Alas. Looks like there is a two week break in the show. And then? C.......................................................T..................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Direction

Before I begin, I wanted to make a quick but important announcement. When I began this blog, I had many goals in mind. Obviously, the major one was use this blog as a forum to put all my wonderfully witty and insightful thoughts about an institutional show, the Real World, in written form. But another equally important goal, but for most selfish reasons, is to pursue a hobby of mine; writing. I’ve always enjoyed creative writing and seemed to be successful at it whenever the opportunity arose in school. Unfortunately, the older I got, the less I got to write about whatever I wanted. It was either write a research paper on the “unitary executive theory,” (don’t worry, I’ll do a nice blog post on what that is soon!! Am I kidding?) or interpret a novel on poor Southern farm hands and their oppressive capitalist owners. My teachers never appreciated when my interpretation inevitably came across as: After reading “classic American novel,” my interpretation is this book sucked.

But my desire to write never really subsided. It just hadn’t had an opportunity to explode. I toyed with the idea of blogging but could never really find my voice, and more importantly, a central topic of discussion. The decision to blog about the Real World honestly came from my friend and I having many discussions on instant messenger about the show. That, and my hero Bill Simmons frequently talking about it. But what is the point of all this, you might ask. Well, this all is leading to a fairly inconsequential announcement.

While the blog will still primarily focus on the genius that is the Real World and the Challenge, from time to time I will discuss other topics or just write some random thoughts that pop into my head. I’ve given myself many a chuckle over some of the weird crap I think of. So let’s see if that translates to the blog. Often times, it might get a little crude. And some readers might have no interest in what I’m writing at the time. I fully understand that almost everyone who reads this blog does so because they share a common interest in the shows I discuss. But there is inevitably only so much one can say about the Real World before it gets repetitive. So who knows what will become of this little experiment. But I feel now is an appropriate time to test some news ideas out and see what happens. Just to reassure everyone that I won’t be abandoning the Real World, I will now do a post about….the 1961 Yankees and how they redefined the modern game of baseball in the….just kidding, let’s talk about Camilla!!!

We are now one episode away from the return of C.T.!!!! For me, this is like the return of Conan to television or the return of Charlie Sheen to cocaine and hookers. You know it’s coming but the anticipation is killing you!! For now, we had to suffer through another episode of Cutthroat where you want to strangle some of the competitors. This week, it’s Laurel and Camilla, but for different reasons.

I assume everyone has seen last night’s episode, but very quickly, here’s what you need to know for reference. Laurel was flabbergasted and furious that her team decided to send her into the Gulag instead of Cara Maria. Her rationale is that she is Laurel, the greatest female competitor in the history of the show and Cara Maria sucks at the show and Abram.

Clearly, I have an issue with people who are all about promoting themselves, despite being able to back it up. For that reason, Laurel truly grinds my gears. This is only her second challenge, and technically she hasn’t won a single thing. Sure she is very tall, athletic, and strong. And yes, with Kenny last year, she did very well overall. But you know what? That’s not enough to earn you complete immunity from going into an elimination challenge. In fact, no one really deserves that.

I like to go based on how the person on that season has been performing ON THAT SEASON!! I don’t care if you dominated the last challenge. Unless you are so obviously valuable to your team to send into an elimination challenge, you need to earn your way to the finals. And sometimes, that means going into the Gulag. For the record, while I do not deny for a second that Abram simply wanted to keep his booty call in Prague, I actually agree that Cara Maria’s performance thus far is on par with Laurel’s. Since she has gone into a Gulag, the fair play is to have Laurel go in and more than likely send one of the other team’s good players home.

If this was the second episode of the season, I would agree with Laurel. She is an asset to the team overall and there are significantly weaker players who need to be removed to give the team the best chance in the in. However, by this point, both Laurel and Cara Maria have proven themselves strong enough for the final challenge. In fact, Cara Maria has more so demonstrated this by taking out another team’s player in the Gulag. Honestly, I’m just sick of this predictable attitude from some of these players. They feel that they are entitled to a free ride when no one should be, and then have the gall to get mad when others disagree. Laurel’s reaction to be sent in tells me a couple of things:

1. That the only way she wouldn’t have wanted to kill the rest of her team is if they kept her safe. Basically, she was fully ready to blackmail her teammates if she didn’t get her way.

2. Even though almost every Challenge is team-oriented, Laurel’s lack of teamwork shows how much of a liability she is. Even though this game is built on teamwork and team unity, Laurel’s eagerness to turn on her team for telling her she needs to take one for the team shows that she will always be a hindrance to team unity and cohesiveness. Just like in any other sport, the teams that win Challenges are unified. So far, the only team that is a cohesive unit is the blue team. I thought the grey team was that way too, but Laurel is the one rotten apple on the group. If she doesn’t get her way, it’s bye bye victory. Despite her physical edge to other girl competitors, is she really that much of a upgrade from someone like Cara Maria?

I think I’m going to make this a two parter. Look for Part 2 tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be less angry. Seriously, why am I so pissed? Damn you Laurel!!!

Hellllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

That was supposed to sound like Jerry Seinfeld in that episode with the talking belly button. But I digress...

Sorry for the very long hiatus. Quickly, what happened was I went to work on an election campaign for a week and a half. I spent roughly 16 hours a day working to get someone elected, not including the 44 straight hours I was up from Election Night Eve through Election Day. My guy won, so it was exhilarating, but I was just spent by the end of it. It took me a while to get back into the swing of things at work, and I finally got caught up on everything last week.

So here we are once again, and I didn't know what to write about. Sometimes, when you haven't delved into a topic that you are so used to delving into, it creates a blockage in your brain. I simply had no good ideas for a column, no sound angles to impart some great insight. But it has just been way too long without a post, and I finally feel like I have at least some good points to make. I hope you all agree.

It's been two episodes since I last posted and I can't say a lot has happened on Cutthroat. The teams have evened themselves out again, a lot of dead weight is gone, and we aren't quite to C.T.'s big arrival yet. Also, I have a bad tooth ache. But there are a couple of cast members that must be discussed.

First up, Brandon. I'm discussing him only to illustrate a point about the show that I'm not sold on. Brandon is a normal guy. This point cannot be emphasized enough. He is a good dude who plays the game straight and keeps quiet about it. He isn't a douchebag (I know, how can he not be a douchebag when he is on this show?) or a sinister plotter. But he's also not a holier-than-though guy who rails against everyone who plays the game shadily. I do not care for those people either because they tend to be more than willing to abandon those convictions when an opportunity presents itself. Looking at you Evelyn and Coral. Essentially, Brandon is someone who should do well in these challenges if life was fair. But of course, the show wouldn't be good if that was true. Brandon got sent into the Gulag yet again, to the clear dismay of TJ. TJ was absolutely correct in his disgust. Brandon proved himself again and again and was a solid competitor. But he got intentionally screwed by his team when they told him to be the anchor on a challenge and set him up to take the blame when they failed. The part that frustrated me was Brandon knew what his team was doing while it was happening. Then during deliberation, Brad mentioned that it was Brandon's fault for the loss because of he stepped up to lead and failed. Brandon and Brad both knew that wasn't the case, yet for some inexplicable reason, Brandon didn't fight back. He seemed resigned to his fate of constantly going into the Gulag every time. The bottom line is Brandon doesn't have it in him to be an asshole back to everyone else, and it screwed him in the end.

But Brandon's situation illustrated a fact about the shows I do not like. If you are a rookie, you are going home early. There is no thrill to the game in that respect. I'll look at a team before the season starts, and I can pretty accurately determine who will be left in the end. That's not a good thing. There needs to be rule changes that make it so the same person can't keep going into the elimination challenge. Man, this really grinds my gears! I mean, everyone who has done a few challenges are best friends, apparently. They couldn't possibly vote against each other, right!! When thousands of dollars are on the line, the best way to ensure you are going to win is to have your friends with you in the end, the same friends who are now in their thirties still binge drinking and chain smoking. You need to get rid of the strong rookie who is ten years younger and has more stamina because, you know, he has to prove himself by being sent home too early.

I guess I'm asking too much for these competitors to think logically here.

The big story of the hiatus has to be Ty's freak out. Be honest, was anyone really surprised by this? The guy may have actually hit a female on Real World DC. I'm still shocked a bigger deal wasn't made out of that and that the producers invited him on the Challenge. Well, sure enough, Ty's psychotic side ( at this point, I think we should just say Ty and leave out "psychotic side" since that's his only side) emerges and he gets into near-fights with almost everyone, including Brandon, Johnny "Domestic Violence" and even Emily. The funny thing is no one seems to care that he almost hits Emily yet again. (Cue me shaking my head)

If you think the crazy ends there, boy are you mistaken! At the elimination challenge, it's Brandon vs. Ty and Ty is TJ Lavining it. Seriously, Brandon doesn't stand a chance. Or so we think. Because we failed to account for Ty's craziness. After Brandon manages to push Ty out of bounds, Ty amazingly quits. I wish I could explain why he chose to not get back in bounds and continue but I can't. He was bigger and stronger than Brandon in every way so if he was tired, you know Brandon was exhausted. Everyone is yelling for Ty to get up, eqaully dumbfounded as me why he simply won't. After TJ counts him out (because apparently this is pro wrestling) the medics have to come over and re-orient a confused Ty. Now, seeing this, one would think Ty suffered a serious concussion. Except all that happened was he gradually fell over a chain while attached to a harness contraption. He literally fell as slow as anyone could possibly fall. He gently laid his back down onto the ground. His head never even hit the ground until he placed it down like one does on a pillow.

Folks, there is no rational explanation except to say that Ty is certifiably insane. How we was allowed on the Real World to begin with is nothing short of miraculous. We will no doubt read MTV.com two years from now and discover that Ty murdered his family. It's sad, but true. It made me think; if there was a new season of Real World but instead of strangers it was the weirdest former cast members, who would go in the house. Now I'm not talking about crazy cast members who get into Jersey-shore like fights or agree to eat a bug. I'm talking really weird people who have serious social disorders. So far here is my list:

Ty (RW DC)

Ryan (RW New Orleans)

Brooke (RW Denver)

Karamo (RW Philadelphia)

Tonya (RW Chicago)

Stephen (RW Seattle)

If anyone has any other nominees, let me know. Technically we still need one more.

I hope everyone enjoyed my first column back and thanks to those who kept checking the site during my hiatus. I was seriously contemplating shutting it down if I saw there was no traffic at all during the hiatus. I felt like I shot myself in the foot but my fears were unnecessary. I'll do my best to reward you all for your loyalty.