Please Don't Be Mad

Disclaimer: This is my first non-Real World related post. Now, be forewarned, this is not meant to offend anyone. It is completely, tongue-in-cheek, facetious, and heavy on the hyperbole. So when I say some things, don't take them too literally. This is meant to be either humorous or insightful, nothing more. So don't be hating.

My fiance is Catholic; I'm a non-practicing Jew. When we first started dating, I would occasionally go with her to church. Now, I had maybe been in a Catholic church once in my life. So I was fairly out of my element. So when I went the first time, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Hell, I wasn't positive the church wouldn't start raining hail as the priest shouted out "There's the Jew!! Unclean!! Unclean!!!" My fiance joked that my horns would probably come out. At least, I hope she was joking. When it was time to kneel, I wasn't sure if that meant me too. But I didn't want to make it obvious that I wasn't Catholic by not kneeling. The only other people who weren't kneeling were those with canes and oxygen tanks. And I unfortunately left mine at home. But if I did kneel, what would my mother say?! First, kneeling. Next, protesting abortion clinics and voting for Carl Paladino. So I played it safe and knelt while keeping my butt on the seat. I figured this would confuse God and he would just shrug and move on.

Eventually, as I became more comfortable going to church, I began feeling more comfortable cracking jokes. For one, as the church struggles to maintain membership, why don't they stop giving out those plain wafers and start passing out those sugar wafers with the cream in the middle. I'd go all the time! (or more likely just buy a box at the supermarket. I mean, c'mon. You get way more and you don't have to sit through an hour of preaching) Well, the fiance didn't appreciate this, mainly because she was cracking up all the time and getting weird looks.

Well, one of the last times I went with her, a congregant was reading a passage. I wasn't sure if it was from the official book or something church-specific. I must point out this was not my fiance's regular church. The passage being read mentioned something about how the Jews were responsible for Jesus' death and that Christians should forgive them. At the time, I was kind of pissed since it was historically inaccurate and also fostered antisemitism. But the more I thought about, I was more upset by the another fact. Catholics (presumably) believe that Jesus was supposed to die for man's sins and that this was absolutely necessary for the salvation of the human race. If they believe that the Jews were responsible for this happening, then we shouldn't be forgiven; we should be thanked!! I mean, what a solid we did! The Jews indirectly saved humanity. For thousands of years, we Jews have been persecuted for killing Jesus. In actuality, we should have been honored by parades. In a fair world, Good Friday should be a day of praise for the Jews. I say we change it from Good Friday to Good Jewy Friday and celebrate it with some knishes.

So if you are Jewish and someone comes up to you yelling about you killing Jesus (probably happens in the South. I don't know, what's the situation in Europe right now?) instead of getting offended and deny it, simply say "you're very welcome! Are you going to get me anything for Good Jewy Friday? You kind of owe me."

That, my friends, is my take on religion. And yes, this is what you can expect to read when I'm not talking Real World.