* Also like to give a shout out to Danielle, who recently joined the facebook fan page. That's right, if you become a fan, you get a shout out. Danielle, let me know if you want me to link to any blogs you might have. I will seriously whore myself out to anyone who becomes a fan or promotes my blog.
Now that things have gotten weird and uncomfortable, it perfectly segues into Part 2 of the Back to New Orleans premiere...dedicated entirely to Ryan.
You know how Stephen Strasburg recently made his major league debut and everyone knew instantly he was going to be a star? That is pretty much is how I feel about Ryan. This kid is destined to be a Hall of Famer. Could there be any other impression after watching his multiple freakouts during the season premiere? Keeping with the sports analogies, he is like a pitcher who threw a no hitter in his major league debut. Ryan absolutely TJ Lavined it during the premiere.* And from what I've heard about the rest of the season, it doesn't appear like he will be slowing down. Let's get right to the highlights!
* In case I didn't explain it before, TJ Lavining something is when you kill it, really do well. TJ Lavin used to always say "You killed it" but he stopped doing it. So in his honor, when someone kills it, I like to say they "TJ Lavined it."
So Ryan enters the house a ball of energy. Immediately, he flips out when he has to room with Knights, presumably because Knight (First Name also Ryan) calls himself 'Knight' and is the opposite of Ryan (translation: normal, alpha male, not ambiguously gay). Ryan connives his way into trading rooms with Ashley, which wouldn't be so odd except he clearly snorted a lot of coke before doing the roommate switch. He was waaaaaaaaaaay too happy to switch out of rooming with Knight. My theory is when Ryan was in high school members of the football team either shoved him in a locker or shoved a parking cone up an orifice. Hence, Ryan equates jock-looking Knight with bullying, or parking cones. Normally, Knight probably would have been offended by such blatant disrespect. But after seeing 5 seconds of how Ryan acts, Knight seemed more than ok with Ryan switching out. Unfortunately, these two still have to share a house, and they would wind up butting heads later on in the episode.
Later on, the cast is sitting around the table and Ryan asks if anyone has any history with drugs. This is a weird question on a few levels. Generally, the more outgoing person might ask if anyone is gay or a virgin. That's about it for acceptable questions to ask strangers on the Real World. Personally, I wouldn't think it is appropriate to ask those questions either. But this is the Real World, and it has become the norm for someone to throw that out there. But to ask if anyone had a history with drugs? Just weird. Also, a little too convenient considering that Knight did have a problem with drugs. If it comes out that the producers asked Ryan to say that instead of him doing it himself, it will be akin to finding out A-Rod did steroids. We find out during this public confessional that Ryan dated a girl. What?! I could've swore he was...! Oh, nevermind. We also discover that he took it really hard and became addicted to painkillers. Dude, man up. When a girl breaks your heart, you hide it deep down and let it escape during Thanksgiving dinner.
We very quickly begin to learn a lot about Ryan, mainly because he wants us to know it all. If some people wear their heart on their sleeve, then Ryan wears it on his trench coat. It's just too much. Forget normal people. Weirdos don't even act like this. Later on, Ryan picks a fight with Knight because he is too open and emotional. Knight feels that a man shouldn't be as emotional as Ryan is. A bit crass and behind the times, but when you see how Ryan behaves, it makes you want to put on John Wayne movies and chew tobacco while listening to Johnny Cash.
But wait, it gets better! Jemmye dons a Snookie-esque cocktail dress for the house's first night out. Ryan comments that she is asking to get raped. Nice. Listen, I wouldn't want my daughter (or son, for different reasons) to walk out of the house dressed like Jemmye was. And I would certainly be worried that her outfit would draw the wrong kind of attention. But you don't say that, particularly to someone you just met. You do the appropriate thing and call her trashy behind her back.
The gang go out for a night on the town, and McKenzie tells Ryan to watch her because she blacks out really easily when she drinks. Ryan being Ryan, he is in love with McKenzie by this point. So when she starts flirting with some older guys, Ryan naturally gets all huffy and throws a mini tantrum. I think he was just upset that he would have to unleash his inner stalker earlier than he normally likes to. Everyone better hide the Vicodin, Ryan's depressed :( The night really gets interesting when the gang all decide to hit the gay bar.
Side note: I like how going to the gay bar has become so prevalent in Real World that the straight guys all want to go their more than the gay ones. I actually think this is a legitimately good sign that our society is heading in the right direction with gay rights.
At the gay bar, a patron comes up to Ryan and offers to buy him drinks. Ryan doesn't seem to understand the other guy is flirting with him, or maybe he doesn't care. After all, working in a hair salon he is probably use to it. Being my quirky self, I actually was pissed off that when the guy offered to by him a drink, Ryan got two drinks and immediately left the other guy. It's simple courtesy to either get one drink and be on your way or if you get two, at least talk to the guy a bit. Ryan was just flaunting that he was using him to get free drinks. This guy is not just insane and hyper, but he's also a dick.
As they all leave, Ryan comes out looking like someone just showed him Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS (disgusted for all you non sports fans). Apparently, some guy kissed him on the neck. Ryan furiously rubs his neck, and when Preston razzes him about it, Ryan defiantly says that he rather kill himself than have another guy kiss him. Right in front of Preston, a gay man. Just wow. I'm thinking if a president really wants to ruin a relationship with another country, he simply needs to hirer Ryan as the ambassador. On one end is Henry Kissinger, and on the other is Ryan ( BTW, very proud of myself for referencing Henry Kissinger in a blog about the Real World).
I know I sound like a broken record, but again, here's where it gets interesting. Preston understandably gets mad and shocked by Ryan's comment. Ryan immediately tries to explain himself. Preston does the mature thing and says "let it go, we'll talk about it tomorrow." Ryan does the Ryan thing and flips out trying to convince Preston he isn't a homophobe, just a self-hating homosexual. Thank God he isn't Jewish. Ryan starts getting aggressive with Preston. Is he really trying to fight Preston because Preston doesn't want to get into it? You betcha. Knight literally has to carry Ryan away, and eventually they all head home.
But it doesn't even end there. Ryan still wants to "talk" and tries to start up again while Preston is in bed. Jemmye eventually gets involved and Ryan calls her "trailer trash." It's pretty amazing that he said two completely inappropriate and hurtful remarks to roommates he just met that day. The other hilarious part of that scene is Jemmye jumping out of bed in her bra and panties like it is no biggie. Could she wind up better than Snookie?
Finally, Ryan and Preston hash things out, but it is only getting better. It's a lot to digest and now you see why this took so long. There has never been a cast member so instantly reviled by the rest of the roommates, not even Puck. Ryan is something completely different. The Real World has had the rude one, the racist or homophobic one, the bitch, and the one who says whatever is on their mind. But Ryan is all of them, plus extremely hyper, absolutely no filter, and clinically bipolar. Not only is he the extreme version of other notable Real World alum, but he is things that no one has been before. This is going to sound extremely stupid and inane, and it is. But it is also technically correct:
Assuming he maintains this level, Ryan will become a once in a generation talent the same way Tiger Woods, John Lennon, Michael Jordan, Kurt Cobain, Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, Madonna, and Bill Gates were/are. These people came along and were just better than anyone else who came before them in their era in their respective fields. I think Ryan is the Real World equivalent. Up until now, most people would agree that Puck was the biggest character in the history of the show, and he was in one of the first seasons. 20+ years later we are in a new generation of Real World viewers. It was inevitable that we would eventually get another Puck. But we may have surpassed even Puck with Ryan.
Years from now, when I have my grandkids on my lap and they talk about their favorite reality shows, I will smile and say "Did I ever tell you kids about the time I saw Ryan from Real World: Back to New Orleans call a roommate trailer trash on the very first day?"
We are all witnesses.
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