I had hoped to put up a huge post ranking and discussing the best and worst female cast members in Real World history but my buddy who I collaborated with for this blog has yet to update his spreadsheet. Yeah, that's right, we did a spreadsheet. This is no joke. Unfortunately, he is dragging on getting that done. It seems he has his priorities mixed up between the blog and work and has been too busy to get it done.
Until then, I figured I needed to do something noteworthy in celebration of the premier of the new season. So I decided it was ripe time for what's quickly becoming my favorite reoccurring segment, "Profiles in Courage." This installment will profile one of the true all time great sources of Unintentional Comedy, the one and only... Brad Fiorenza.
Do you remember Real World: San Diego? I sure do as it was one of the five best seasons, bar none. And surely you can recall the multitude of recent Challenges, right? Haven't they been amazing? Well, there is a common thread in the best seasons of the Real World and the Challenges. That thread is Brad. The beloved meathead with a heart of gold has entertained us for a good 5 years now, and he surely deserves a "Profile in Courage." For no other cast member has embarrassed himself quite like Brad has. In addition, it seems few other regulars on the show have attempted to maintain normal lives and failed the way Brad has. He clearly wants a normal job and to live a relatively normal, stable life. But being the meathead that he is, he must have not realized that his constant failings on the Real World and the Challenges would prove too great an obstacle for him to overcome (much like winning a Challenge also seems to great an obstacle for him).
There's a saying in the Friar's Club that they only roast (make fun of publicly) the ones they love. Well, I share that sentiment in that I only profile and mock the cast members I truly love....to mock. Profiling Brad is a bit bittersweet because he actually seems like a good guy. Granted, he isn't a genius (that's like saying Madonna isn't a virgin or Lindsay Lohan isn't sober, or talented, or sane, or attractive anymore). But his heart seems to be in the right place and he does seem like a fun dude who would have your back if needed. But for our purposes, we cannot focus on that. I will attempt to make it up to Brad at the end of the this blog. You'll see, hopefully.
I was struggling with how to encapsulate all the great moments that define Brad and found there is just too many. So I decided to rank the top 5 moments of Brad Fiorenza's brilliant career so far. But I must give this list the proper context it deserves, so please bear with me.
Brad is as much a tragic hero as Hamlet or Corey Feldman. He has tried to succeed so many times, both in life and on the show, and yet he can't quite make it. Ultimately it is his own flaws that ruin him. Time and time again, Brad shows the entire world that he just isn't meant for the things he seeks most. The only solace one can find in his life is he met and married a very attractive girl who he genuinely seems to love. Unfortunately, she is also a Challenge veteran and he is more than likely to have that blow up in his face too. There is one particular moment that sums up Brad to a T. In occurred during The Challenge: The Duel 2, and it involved a heated argument between Brad and his fiance, Tori, regarding Brad getting a job. Tori was putting a lot of pressure on Brad to get a job, saying he can't keep expecting to support her by doing Challenges (a fairer point was never spoken), and Brad kept responding by noting how bad the job market and economy were.
As my ranking of Brad's greatest moments will show, it is probably not the economy's fault why Brad can't get a real job. When you get arrested twice in one season, can't spell on a 5th grade level, and get knocked out in a drunken rage, it usually doesn't look to to employers. Brad is tragically caught up in a vicious cycle. He can't get a job because of his antics on the Real World and subsequent Challenges, yet he needs to continue to go on these shows to make money, but he never wins, so he has to look for real work, but he can't get real work so he has to go on the shows....etc etc.
Now, without further ado, I present the top 5 reasons why Brad is unemployed.
#5-Brad Gets a Wedgie
The craziest thing about this moment is Brad's sudden mood swing after it occurs. He seems rather happy go lucky, or at least unaware this is going on, then he all of a sudden flies into a rage and gets very, very serious. When Brad drinks, Brad is awesome and scary, but mostly sad. I love how he realizes that getting a wedgie isn't funny about 5 minutes after it happens. So his thought process is along the lines of "I'm out of control! Yay! I'm getting a wedgie, fun!!! Now I'll join in and pull it up over my head. Now it's a necklace!! Best night ever!!! THIS IS NOT FUNNY! I'M OUT OF HERE!!!"
I understand that people get crazy when they are drunk. I've been there myself. But the complete 180 in personality Brad takes is just too insane for even drunkards. I could just imagine Brad going in for an interview, everything going well, then the interviewer pulling up the youtube clip and asking "And how would you explain this?"
Best line in that whole clip from Brad talking about the Miz: "Congratulations. You're a MeatHead, son. But don't ever put your hands on my underwear again!"
#4 The Spelling Bee
I understand it is difficult to make a great impression to the world by going on The Real World and the Challenges, but even so, this is especially embarrassing. During the Duel 2, they had a challenge where they had to spell words correctly. If they messed up, they would be dropped from the platform. Now, a lot of the contestants faired poorly, but Brad's idiocy took the cake.
I can't
#3 Brad Gets Arrested...Twice
I've never been arrested in my life, but I can see how a Real Worlder might find themselves in the slammer once. After all, they are drunk and surrounded by a bunch of drunks who want to harass them for having cameras with them. It happens. But twice?! Only Brad can pull that off. The thing about Brad is he makes getting arrested very funny. He even giggles when the arresting cop mentions something about the penal code. He also doesn't seem to realize that being thrown in jail on camera is not a good thing in life. You never hear Brad talk about regretting getting arrested twice on camera. I would love if he wrote a book about the effect the show has had on his life, but then again, I'm not a big fan of the way children write.
#2 Brad gets drunk and instigates a fight with Darrell. He subsequently gets knocked out
No moment defines the tragedy that is Brad like the episode of The Ruins. Brad was put on the Challengers team, and they never really stood a chance. One by one, all the decent players were getting eliminated. And soon all that was left was Brad and Dunbar as the only guys left. Brad sensed his team was screwed since he had never won a challenge and Dunbar is the Challenge equivalent of Eric Lindros (everyone thinks he's great but he never wins anything). So Brad does what any sane almost 30 year old would do: Get extremely drunk and pick a fight with an amateur boxer.
Brad getting knocked out may have been the symbolic KO of his reality career. Once again, he self destructed by doing something incredibly stupid and not only did he not win the Challenge, but he got knocked out on tv for the whole world (well, at least a whole lot of 13-18 year olds) to see. This guy just can't catch a break. I was considering not posting this clip, but it just had to be done.
#1 Ok, I've had a lot of good times and laughs at the expense of Brad. And it's easy to see why he is a Real World All Star. But my number 1 moment for Brad is actually not something he is doing to embarrass himself. During the final challenge of the Gauntlet 3, each team had to tie themselves to one another so that everyone had to finish. The point was you are only as strong as your weakest link. For the Veterans, the Weakest Link was Big Easy, all 400 pounds of him. There was no way he was finishing the challenge. Hell, he couldn't even swim half a mile. This guy was just not going to make it. Throughout the challenge, everyone is screaming at him not to give up. They are seriously pissed. But Big Easy is looking pale. All of a sudden he goes down. He has that look in his eyes that he might not make it. It was a legitimately scary situation. Yet everyone was just pissed about losing out on the money, not for his health. Everyone except Brad. Throughout it all, he was the only one that cared more about Big Easy's health than winning some stupid prize. It was a selfless act in the face of callousness. Brad showed what he was really all about that day. Bottom line is he is a good, genuine guy who probably doesn't deserve a lot of the crap that has happened to him. I honestly hope he finds real work and doesn't have to come on these shows again, even though I'll miss out on lots of good material.
So I toast you, Brad, to all you have given us loyal viewers, and here's hoping there isn't a spelling test in Heaven.
I leave you with this quote from Brad:
"Now it's a NECKLACE!!"
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